You know how they say that hindsight is 20/20 (and also a bitch)? It has taken me over 5 years in therapy to understand that the things I experienced growing up were not normal. Were not my fault. That they were, in fact, abuse. Abuse that thrived because none of us knew that it wasn't okay. Because none of us had the words to describe what was happening and how it made us feel. So we stayed quiet, and suffered in silence, because we didn't have a voice.
I'm now at a point in my healing journey where I am ready to break that silence. To let my voice be heard so that others who have been through similar things know that they aren't alone and they don't need to keep quiet either. To hopefully help others also put words to what they endured, and to find solidarity and comfort and support.
This is the part where I add in the caveat that I am not a therapist, nor a medical professional of any sort, I am just a survivor sharing my story.
Let me introduce you to the cast of my life story:
Me: I am a 40 year old woman, who fancies myself a semi-decent writer. As trite and cliche as it sounds, I am on a journey to heal from the abuse I experienced in my childhood (and to a lesser extent my adulthood) and find my true self. I suffer from C-PTSD, chronic anxiety and depression, and migraines. I also strongly suspect I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum and may also have undiagnosed ADHD. So yeah, a few steps above 'hot mess' and into 'spicy disaster' territory, but I'm working on it.
Dad: A baby boomer in his early 70's. Grew up in rural Northern Ireland, moved to our country when he was around 11. Lost his (physically abusive) father when he was around 15. Racist, misogynistic, 'just pull yourself up by your bootstraps' mentality. I strongly suspect he has an undiagnosed personality disorder, but of course, not a therapist so it remains alleged. Major martyr/superiority complex.
Mum: (deceased). Grew up in rural Australia. Was an oopsie 'change of life' baby, so was much younger than her older siblings. I believe that the gap between her and the next youngest was like 10+ years. Her mother was emotionally checked out of raising her and her father died when she was 14. She married my father young (she was 20) and I'm not entirely certain she wanted kids and only had them because dad wanted us. I had a really terrible relationship with her when I was a kid/teen/young adult. It was only when I got married and had a child of my own that our relationship shifted and we were able to relate to each other better. She also had an autoimmune disease that destroyed the nerves in her spine, causing her to be unable to walk and need a wheelchair, as well as struggling to use her hands. My dad was her full-time caregiver.
Brother: Middle child 3 years younger than me. Learning disability so needed more time and attention from my parents, but especially my mother. An incredibly gentle soul with a dark sense of humour. Very much a 'don't rock the boat' person who tries to avoid conflict, he just likes to do his own thing and not get involved in drama if he can help it.
Sister: Youngest child, 5 years younger than me. One of the strongest, bravest, amazing people I know. It's not my story to tell, but the TL;DR is that she was in an abusive relationship with the father of her child, and after he left her, she picked herself up, worked hard, and now she has a successful career, owns her own house, and is generally thriving. Like me she has begun to see our dad's behaviour for what it is and is currently low-contact with him.
Hubby: The best thing to happen to me. Has supported me through all my therapy and my bad migraine days. Is an amazing partner and father. Despite the fact that his parents divorced when he was young, they co-parented extremely well and so he is a pretty well-adjusted individual who sometimes has trouble understanding the complexities (and dysfunction) of my own family dynamics. Although he does also have anxiety, so he does lean on me sometimes (as he should).
Daughter: A sassy, wonderful human being who is on the autism spectrum. Has the same learning disability as her uncle. Loves all kinds of usual kid things, minecraft, pokemon, video games etc.
Niece: My sister's child who is also on the autism spectrum but is higher-needs than my daughter. Very artistic and creative. Loves dresses and unicorns and the colour pink.
There you have the main cast. There may be supporting characters here and there, but the majority of stories will revolve around myself and the immediate family.
In the next post I'll give a general overview of what the dynamic in our family was like growing up. I'll likely do a more in-depth post about each parent and my memories/experiences/opinions. Plus I'll also end up talking about my current relationship (or rather non-relationship) with my father and how I got to this point.
Thanks for joining me on my journey. I'll see you when I take the next step.
